Englische Funtexte

Funny stories and lists in English – for everyone who likes their humour British or American. 78 Texte von A bis Z.

1960 vs. 2000 1 Min.
1960's vs 2000 Then: Long hair. Now: Longing for hair. Then: The perfect high. Now: The perfect high-yield mutual fund. Then: KEG. Now: EKG. Then: …
A Gentle Poem 1 Min.
I woke early one morning, The earth lay cool and still When suddenly a tiny bird Perched on my window sill. He sang a song so lovely So carefree and …
A Girls Prayer 1 Min.
Lord, Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man, who's not a creep, One who's handsome, smart and strong, One who's willy is thick and long. …
Actual Doctor's Notes 3 Min.
These are doctors' notes on patients' charts: (Actual notes - unedited!) 1. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year. 2. …
American Company 1 Min.
Mrs. Davidson's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told him, "I'll leave the key under …
Announcements 2 Min.
ACTUAL ANNOUNCEMENTS FROM THE TUBE (no kidding, they're real): To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage, …
Arbeitsprozess 2 Min.
We all know that it takes 1 calorie to heat 1 gram of water 1 degree Celsius. Translated into meaningful terms, this means that if you eat a very …
Axioms For The Internet Age 1 Min.
1. Home is where you hang your @ 2. The e-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail. 3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single …
Bad day at work 3 Min.
Next time you think you have had a bad day at work, think about this guy...Tom is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers out of Louisiana …
Ballerina 1 Min.
A big woman, wearing a sleeveless sundress,walked into a bar. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the …
Bin Laden 2 Min.
From: Bin Laden, Osama Sent: Monday, October 22, 2001 8:17 AM To: Cavemates Subject: The Cave Hi guys. We've all been putting in long hours but …
BIT - A word used to describe computers 2 Min.
BIT - A word used to describe computers, as in "Our daughter's computer cost quite a bit." BOOT - What your friends give you because you spend too …
Breasts are good for you 2 Min.
By Plum Wilder. In America, it was recently revealed that breasts are good for you! After five years of intensive research on more than 200 …
Bumper Stickers 2 Min.
Constipated People Don't Give A Crap. Practice Safe Sex, Go Screw Yourself. If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut. Please Tell Your …
Can you imagine such a thing 4 Min.
This is simply some of the funniest I have read in a long time. And remember kids, it's from real life. Imagine sitting in traffic on your way to …
Careful 1 Min.
After a long night of making love the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, …
Church requirements 1 Min.
A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from …
Cinderella 1 Min.
It was in the Washington Post. In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22-year-old white male, resident of Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin …
Comments made in the year 1956 2 Min.
"I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's going to be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $20." "Have you seen the …
Depressed man Diagnosed as British 3 Min.
And now, something completely different! George Farthing, an expatriate British man living in America, was recently diagnosed as clinically …
Differences Between You and Your Boss 1 Min.
When you take a long time, you're slow. When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough. When you don't do it, you're lazy. When your boss doesn't …
Dog Care 1 Min.
Three dogs, a Doberman, a Boxer, and a Labrador are sitting in the waiting room at the vet's office when they strike up a conversation. The Doberman …
Don't work too hard 1 Min.
In the Birmingham Sunday Mercury (7th Jan 2001): WORKER DEAD AT DESK FOR 5 DAYS Bosses of a publishing firm are trying to work out why no one …
Einstein 1 Min.
Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter tells him, "You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths that some …
Enjoyes 1 Min.
A man and a woman were having drinks, getting to know one another and started bantering back and forth about male / female issues. They talked about …
Fantasy Hotline 2 Min.
Merlin, Inc. technical support. How can I help you?" "Yesterday I've bought your sword..." "Congratulations, sir, you've made the right choice!" "It …
Genie 1 Min.
Three members of an investment bank: a secretary, an associate and a manager, are walking through a park on their way to lunch when they discover an …
Good Fun 1 Min.
In October, the Indians asked their Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or not. Not really knowing the answer, the chief replied that …
Guys 1 Min.
4 guys are driving cross-country together -- one from Idaho, one from Nebraska, one from Florida, and the last one is from New York. A bit down the …
Hang Him 1 Min.
John and David were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day, while they were walking, they passed the hospital swimming pool and John suddenly …
Hot 4 Min.
Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast: Recently I was honored to be selected as an …
Idiot 4 Min.
Idiot # 1 I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset …
If Dr. Seuss Wrote a Computer Manual 1 Min.
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, and the bus is interrupted as a very last resort, and the address of the memory makes your floppy …
If you are a regular 1 Min.
If you are a regular traveller on the London Underground, here are some facts which you are going to wish you hadn't read. During Autumn of 2000, a …
International 3 Min.
In a Paris hotel: Please leave your values at the front desk. In an Athens hotel: Guests are expected to complain between 8:00 - 10:00. In a …
It's a cow thing 2 Min.
A CHRISTIAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor. A SOCIALIST: You have two cows. The government takes one and …
Last Word 1 Min.
"I'll get a world record for this." "The odds of that happening are a million to one!" "It's not flammable." "What does this button do?" "I'm making …
Lawyer 1 Min.
One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to …
Lawyer 2 2 Min.
A lawyer got married to a woman who had previously been married 12 times! On their wedding night, they settled into the Bridal Suite at their hotel, …
Legal 1 Min.
Realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The director called him, hoping to get a contribution. "Our …
Lessons 1 Min.
A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading down the alley that had the bulls. They come up to the first bull and his sign stated: …
Letter 1 Min.
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you …
Letter 2 3 Min.
Unfortunately... we all know (and work with) people like these.. It gets better as you go down..... OOOH ERRRR!!!!! THESE ARE TAKEN FROM REAL CVs …
Life Savers 1 Min.
A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first graders using a bowl of Lifesavers. He gave all of the children the same kind of …
Love Dress 1 Min.
The mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the recently married couple's house. She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house. She saw her …
Marriage 1 Min.
1. A man will pay 2DM for a 1DM item he wants. A woman will pay 1DM for a 2DM item that she doesn't want. 2. A woman worries about the future until …
Marriage 2 1 Min.
A husband and wife were having a fine dining experience at their exclusive country club when this stunning young woman comes over to their table, …
Mc Donnell 4 Min.
Subject: McDONNELL DOUGLAS CORP., Marketing Department Military, Aerospace Division. Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft. …
Migraine 1 Min.
A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that his poor …
MS Lord of the Ring 1 Min.
Recently one of my friends, a computer wizard, paid me a visit. As we were talking I mentioned that I had recently installed Windows 98 on my PC, I …
Occupation 1 Min.
A woman walked into an accountant's office and told him that she needed to file her taxes. The accountant said, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask a …
Ok, here we go 3 Min.
To all of you who thought they spoke english correctly: Enjoy!! Multi-national personnel at North Atlantic Treaty Organization headquarters found …
Origin 2 Min.
And lo, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely …
Patient 1 Min.
Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients. The first one says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open …
Pharmacy 1 Min.
A man went into a local pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman behind the counter informed him that she was the pharmacist. She …
Problem 1 Min.
About five years ago the battery in my beat-up VW Beetle had died because I left the lights on overnight. I was in a hurry to get to work on time so …
Riding Hood 1 Min.
Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees a big bad wolf crouched down behind a log. My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf." The …
Salesman 1 Min.
A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big mega-department store looking for a job. The manager says, "Do you have any sales …
Scientists v. God 2 Min.
There was a group of scientists and they were all sitting around discussing which one of them was going to go to God and tell Him that they didn't …
Sexchange 1 Min.
A group of guys and one girl are sitting together at a ball game. During the game, the guys notice that the girl knows just as much about the game …
Short funwords 3 Min.
Prepare to groan!! A Russian couple were walking down the street in Moscow one night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining", …
Smile 1 Min.
Pastor v. Choir Director Church feuds are not uncommon, especially among cliques in the congregation. But when the pastor and choir director get …
Snow Plow 1 Min.
Forgive me for sending on yet another blonde joke! Jay and his blonde wife live in Chicago. One winter morning while listening to the radio, they …
Some More - Fun 2 Min.
ROMANCE MATHEMATICS Smart man + smart woman = romance Smart man + dumb woman = affair Dumb man + smart woman = marriage Dumb man + dumb woman = …
Somecut 2 Min.
Hey Folks, Think you may enjoy some of these..... The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in high school was my blood alcohol content. I live in my own …
Something 1 Min.
John joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he takes off his clothes and starts wandering around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by …
Stereotypes 1 Min.
A Russian, an American, an Iraqi and a German are sitting in a bar, when they are approached by this guy with a clip-board. "Excuse me!" says the …
Texan, Frenchman and an Israeli 2 Min.
A Texan, a Frenchman and an Israeli are on a plane flying over the Pacific Ocean when the engines stop functioning. The plane crash lands on a …
Texas 2 Min.
I've lived in rural Texas for about 2 years now and I thought I would >share a few of the thing I have learned. I was born a Yankee, but >as they …
Thankful 1 Min.
FOR THE HUSBAND WHO COMPLAINS WHEN HIS DINNER IS NOT ON TIME, BECAUSE HE IS HOME WITH ME, NOT WITH SOMEONE ELSE. FOR THE TEENAGER WHO IS COMPLAINING …
The Perfect Match 2 Min.
An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the God-given responsibility to marry the perfect woman, so they could produce children beyond …
Traffic Ticket 1 Min.
A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to …
Train Delay 1 Min.
A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5 year old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop …
Unclassified 3 Min.
BROOKVALE (Sydney) LOSER The North Shore Times News crime column reported that a man walked into Brookvale McDonalds at 8:50am flashed a gun and …
Wanna laugh 1 Min.
A certain private school was faced with a unique problem. A number of 12 year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the …
War 2 Min.
SaddamHussein was sitting in his bunker wondering whom to invade next when his telephone rang. Hallo!Mr.Hussein, a heavily accented voice said. This …
What every woman 'ought' to know 2 Min.
1. Never buy a new brand of beer because it was on sale. 2. If we're in the backyard and the TV in the den is on, that doesn't mean we're not …
You Killed the Easter Bunny 2 Min.
A man was blissfully driving along the highway, when he saw the Easter Bunny hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the …

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